Wednesday, November 07, 2007

By the light...of the silvery moon

So I haven't chosen a winner of my contest yet because I've been stuck in workland and knittingland and I sprained my ankle pretty badly on Halloween (and have therefore been stuck at home, limping around the house. Good thing I'm pretty much a homebody anyway.). So, in lieu of announcing a contest winner or winners at this time (soon, very soon. I promise.), I've decided to present to you my very first How-To Guide. I can't make any promises about more How-To Guides in the future but I thought y'all would like this one. The title of this How-To Guide is: How To Simulate Knitting in the Dark in the Cab of a Moving 1966 Chevy C-10 Pickup Truck

There are two methods of simulation here so I will outline them separately.
Method 1:

For this you will need:
1 Refrigerator Box (or other large box, big enough for you to sit inside)
1 Four-legged Stool with a back but no arm rests and at least one uneven leg so that it wobbles
1 Knife
1 Room with an Overhead Light Source
1 (or more) Family Member or Friend
1 Pair of Knitting Needles
1 Bit of Flat Knitting, Stockinette Stitch preferred, that needs decreasing or increasing
1 Large Caffeinated Beverage of Choice
The night

To Get Started:
1. Take the knife and randomly perforate the refrigerator box on all four sides.
2. Sit on wobbly stool with knitting in hand and pattern at the ready, preferably rested on your knees.
3. Have friend or family member place perforated refrigerator box over you and wobbly stool, encasing you and the stool in the box.
4. Instruct friend or family member to turn off the lights in the room.
5. Start to knit away on your project.
6. Instruct friend or family member to enter the room and turn the lights on and off for roughly 20 seconds at random intervals for the next five to eight hours on no specific schedule.
7. Carefully scrutinize your knitting when the lights shine through the holes in the refrigerator box and attempt to fix all mistakes, dropped stitches, etc., and/or count stitches during this time. Also, attempt to memorize upcoming details in pattern.
8. Once per hour, take a bathroom break to stretch your legs and feverishly knit by the bright light of the bathroom.
9. After a period of no less than five hours but no more than 13 hours, ask friend or family member to remove refrigerator box.
10. See how you did on your knitting.
11. By the light of day (or the magic of electric light), rip back knitting to where you were before you started this exercise. Or not. You may do much better than you anticipated.

Method 2:
For this method you will need:
1 Windowless Room, preferably with two doors but one door will also work
1 Rocking Chair with no armrests
1 (or more) Family Member or Friend
1 Flashlight
1 Pair of Knitting Needles
1 Bit of Flat Knitting, Stockinette Stitch preferred, that needs decreasing or increasing
1 Large Caffeinated Beverage of Choice
The night (for added and ensured darkness)


To Get Started:
1. Place rocking chair in the center of the windowless room.
2. Turn off the lights in the windowless room.
3. Get seated in rocking chair and settle in to knit, preferably placing pattern on knees.
4. Start rockin' away in the rocking chair.
5. Keep knitting.
6. Instruct family member or friend to run through the room and around you, aiming the lit flashlight directly at your forehead, for approximately 20 seconds every 20 to 30 minutes on no particular schedule for no less than five hours but no more than 13 hours.
7. When friend or family member enters the room aiming the flashlight, frantically hold up knitting and/or pattern to scrutinize for mistakes in knitting or memorize the next bit of pattern.
8. Once every hour or so, turn on the overhead light for 10 minutes and knit as many stitches as you can before you take a potty break.
9. Return to rocking chair, start rocking, and instruct friend or family member to turn off the light and repeat steps 6 through 8 for no less than five and no more than 13 hours.
10. By the light of day (or the magic of electric light), rip back knitting to where you were before you started this exercise. Or not. You may do much better than you anticipated.

So, my dear bloglings and blogettes, that is how you too can simulate knitting in the dark while sitting in the cab of a moving 1966 Chevy C-10 Pickup. If you decide to try this experiment at home, please do let me know how it went. I managed to knit two sleeves (at once, even!) and most of the back of a cardigan this way. Thus ends today's FancyPants How-To Guide. More on the contest, book reviews (I finally finished The Nautical Chart!) both knitting and non-knitting, more movie recommendations, and some FO photos when I return. Until then, I'm having some wine and hobbling back to the sofa. I hope y'all are doing fantastic.
Transmission Ended

5 comments:

Clare said...

Hi! Thanks for visiting my blog. You really really should read Perfume, if you liked the movie. The book is about a million times better! (also a bit nastier, but thats usually the way)

Theresa said...

That does sound familiar . . .

Valerie said...

This is one of the best things I have read in a while. The fact that you came up with two simulation methods is fantastic! -=giggle=- So it's been 4 days since this post now and I'm getting the "wanna know" jitters!

Yarnhog said...

I'd try it, but I'm feeling more than a little carsick already.

chris said...

That was hilarious! Thanks!